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How to Create An Over-Hyped Sports Sensation in 10 Easy Steps.
I wrote this article thinking that I’d use it in a writing sample for a little sports website called Bleacher Report. (It’s not actually so little, but.. whatever.) The timeliness of the article passed, so I decided to write it and post it somewhere just to have it out there. Note: it’s supposed to be a bit snide, but please don’t take it too seriously.
How to Create An Over-Hyped Sports Sensation in 10 Easy Steps
So you’re a franchise owner, looking to put your city on the map. This is a good place to start, what with all the hype and media coverage of new talents in the sporting world. Stars will rise and they will fall, but can you artificially create that? Of course you can! Here’s how:
Step 1: Start with a struggling team.
Any struggling team, but make sure that there is a past history of winning. Fans remember the past and like the past when said-team was a winner.
Step 2: Find a guy who is 6’3”.
Oh yeah, and make sure he’s committed and dedicated and motivated. That, too. But, the important thing is that he has to be that height.
Step 3: Spice it up with a religious factor.
Evangelical Christian? Check. Desire to one day become a pastor? Sure. It’ll get most people riled up, so more news attention.
Step 4: Aim to empty out the most important position on the team.
Quarterback, point guard, etc. Make sure that the place where you’re soon-to-be sports spectacle can shine the most is available. Clear it out via injury, trade, or other method, just make sure it’s available.
Step 5: Create a persona of highly driven ambition on the field…
“Leader” is one word for it. This player has got to be able to motivate his teammates and the franchise. High-energy and a play-maker.
Step 6: …and humble down-to-earth guy off the field.
He can’t be too cocky or arrogant. No ball-hogs or “I am the best thing to happen to this franchise” guys now. That undermines the whole likability factor.
Step 7: Make sure the media knows that this player isn’t quite right for your organization.
Whether by outright verbal comment or very little playing time, make it clear that you prefer to lay your bets with someone else. At least…in the beginning of the season. This also works as a motivating force for your soon-to-be sports star.
Step 8: String together a streak of upsets, including one very clutch moment.
Beat the Pittsburgh Steelers in the playoffs in the beginning of OT or call an iso play and hit a cold-blooded three-point shot with 0.5 seconds left in the game to take the lead. Whatever works.
Step 9: Make sure their team colors are blue and orange.
Coincidence? I think not. They are complementary colors and look good on uniforms. What do you do if you already have team colors and they’re not orange and blue? Change them!
Step 10: Profit from the quickly selling jerseys as they fly off the shelves.
Good-bye, Sidelines. Hello, World. Highest selling jerseys make the news; not just the sports news, but also national news. Everyone loves things that help the economy. This is the American thing to do.
Disclaimer: Results may vary highly due to the often capricious public response to different athletes. Factors that may play a role in the success of your star include, but are not limited to: race, Superbowl ad appearances, outspokenness of faith, and actual ability to make plays. Results may vary. See Tim Tebow and Jeremy Lin for examples.
Now, go out there and make it happen, owners! I’m looking at you, New York Mets, Detroit Tigers, New York Islanders, and Edmonton Oilers and Chicago Bears.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
I just posted this as a Q&A:
Mr. Gaiman, my friend and I have a bet going on about correct/common ways to pronounce “buoy.” Would you mind telling us how you pronounce it? (I hope you do not mind me asking you this here. It would just be very fun to turn to my friend and cite you on the matter. I completely understand if you decide to just ignore this silly message. Thank you very much.)I’m English, with a sort of sloppy version of received pronunciation, so I say something very close to “boy”.
Most Americans pronounce it closer to “boo-ey” (which I discovered as a boy, and not a buoy, listening to the LP of A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To the Forum).
Unless they are advertising soap. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzCe1kxlZm4
Which also does not explain why Americans pronounce “buoyant” as “boyant” and not “boo-ey-ant”
…………
And then I thought, I wonder what Frankie Howerd sang on the original London version of the line about the “bong of the bell of the booey in the bay”, so I went down to the basement and retrieved the CD and found out.
And I am putting this song up here for the twelve Stephen Sondheim/Frankie Howerd/pronounciation nerds on the whole of the internets who will be as interested in the answer as I was.
This show is going up at Colby College in a week!!! I was really surprised that the Very Hono(u)rable and Amazing Mr. Neil Gaiman posted about it, but it’s an amazing show and I will shamelessly post about how awesome it is going to be (mostly the set, which I helped put together in a short amount of time).
The above video, of a group of teenagers assaulting an unnamed Asian man in Chicago, is violent and may be difficult to watch. There has been little official news coverage of the incident, making much of the information circulating the internet mere conjecture. Despite the lack of details, the video has incited shock and anger across blogs and Reddit. The video was originally posted by the attackers but has since then been taken down. Other users have reuploaded the video with unconfirmed names of the seven assailants. The list contains both Asian and white last names.
Not only am I completely appalled by this, I feel uncontrollable rage at the fact that this hasn’t been looked into further. The fact that kids are still bullied (and to this extent) is outrageous. I want to personally find each and every one of those kids and show them who they should mess with next time: me. Cause then, if it’s me they’re messing with, I have a few things to say: see you in court, get good lawyers otherwise you’re going to be spending the rest of your boring life in jail, and just because you’re acting against your own racial/ethnic group doesn’t make it NOT racism. This is absolutely disgusting. #manupandgrowapair
Why? Because.
Because why? Because because.
I feel like branching out and writing a bit more about what goes on in my daily life and inspirations that I get because that seems like it’s more of a cathartic thing than writing about Korean liquor (though, that is also a very interesting subject).
So.
Writing.
Actually, I’m thinking of going to bed. Sleep is always nice. And I have class tomorrow. So. Sleep, then class.
But, first… washing up and taking contacts out. Yes, that should be done first.
